Friday, September 30, 2011

Cristiano Ronaldo.



Out of all the individuals that appear on this page, consider this transcendent to them all. This guy (I use the word ‘guy’ very loosely here) is just incredible.


I will just say quickly that I think he is an excellent footballer and most of his football-related silverware is more than deserved.

That being said – the guy is a cunt.


Just an example of a few headlines that have graced magazine covers over the past few years:

'I am the first, second and third best player in the world' – Who the fuck does this bloke think he is…strap yourself to the bed and come down from whatever planet you’re fucking living on you shitstain.

I am a god – nope, you play football. Please realise this before you start expecting a clergy and ritual sacrifices dedicated to you. Arrogant piece of ballskin. Kenny Dalglish is a god, and most other Liverpool supporters will agree that its mostly because of what he did off the field...even if he would have laid your sorry little ass out on the field.

'Fans whistle me because I’m good looking, rich, and a great footballer' – no, fans whistle you because you’re a piece of shit. Maybe if the product in your

hair wasn’t still visible at the end of games, people might take you seriously as a person.

Not only that, but he played for arguably the most annoying club on the face of the planet…luckily they have since proved that he wasn’t all that much use to them anyway. Still hate the fucking mancs. Tell your mate Nani that he is overdue for a tantrum…pathetic little bitch.

So in rounding, I quite honestly despise the balls off this guy. He is a weak, attention whore who spends far too much time working out his right forearm. He is in a position of example and his abuse of it is plain ridiculous.

Sort your shit out Cristiano, or if need be I will personally arrange for it to be sorted out for you. Don’t doubt me.

I’m out.

-Nick

Sunday, September 25, 2011

America!

Yeah, America – fuck that place. Now I know judging by common sense the majority of you are from the USA, but bear with me. Here is a quick few things that give me the shits about your silly little nation.

American Sport

No, it is not the ‘world series’ – fuck off. You only call it the World Series because you’re the only fucking country who plays (and gives a shit) about any of it. How about playing and being decent at a sport that other countries play? I vaguely remember our depleted Wallabies running out 67-5 winners over the ‘Eagles’ the other night…and we have 20 million people. I won’t even bring up your excuse for a football team (and not American Football…not even going to start on that stupid mess of a game).

American Politics

I probably don’t even need to explain this one. How about implementing a compulsory election system and you may not end up having some overblown fuckwit babbling to the masses about how you can literally blow in one ear and feel it out the other side. Nice one George Dubya:



American Corporations

What the fuck do these things think they are doing? They are just about single-handedly sticking a burning iron rod up the ass of the entire world by exporting labour and industry, causing immeasurable damage to the environment…exponentially lower wage rates…you name it they have had their part in causing it. Here is a nice fact for you; in 2010 Apple’s iPhone contributed almost 2bn USD to the American trade deficit. Stupid fuckwits – grow your own iPhones.

American Ignorance

[Disclaimer: I don’t agree every America is like this, just the vast majority]. American stupid people sound stupider than any other kind of stupid person – FACT. America also seems to stockpile immense amounts of international and cultural ignorance…no wonder your fucked up political system is like a zoo. These videos really are quite funny, so watch them, now.





To those Americans who fit and/or subscribe to any of these, stop swilling your Bud Light, driving that fucking Hummer and pushing your culture, systems and way of life down the throat of the world. In any case that’s me done for today, I need bourbon.


-Nick

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Facebook - Updated with Video!


I’m not here to whinge about Facebook. I don’t pay shit to use it – I feel no obligation to use it, and who am I to complain about a free service? It is two things that fuck me to no end when it comes to Facebook.


1. People who do whinge about Facebook

Seriously, we are aware that Facebook changes things…it’s what meant it out-dated Myspace. So shut your fucking mouth and deal with the day it takes to get your brain around all the changes that ruin your useless lives. Get over it and find something worth worrying about – first world issue if ever I have seen one.


2. People who ‘like’ every fucking page

I like pages on Facebook, maybe once every couple of days if I see one that relates to me in a way that makes me laugh or can be linked to some sort of inside joke I have with friends. But to those people that like every shit damn page that might relate to you in some way – FUCK YOUR FACE. Here are a few examples to prove my point:

I'm not weird, I'm limited edition.

No, fuck off. You are weird

The awkward moment when you finish a TV series and don't know what to do with your life anymore.

So you presumably started watching said TV show in order to alleviate boredom, and now it has ended and not only has the boredom returned, but you no longer know how to continue living? Maybe do us the liberty of alleviating yourself from the gene pool.

Like if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel.

Yeah, yourself...dickhead...

Not wearing condoms because the world needs more people like you.

We will agree to disagree. Although I feel this particular page does in some way relate to me. Might go like that one now and become one of those fuckwits I despise.

Facebook is a wonderful utility, but it is dickheads like these that make the whole experience an excruciating one, analogous to having your tongue pulled from your mouth...or something terrible.

Here is a video



- Nick

Me.



So here we are the start of a brand new day, one in which everything you (by ‘you’, I mean me) have ever hated is broken down into its finest, most repulsive, shit-stained pieces and analysed for the good of humorous content. As this is a new blog, I will start with a particularly good topic for discussion. Me.



So this is me. I am an educated, sometimes egotistic Australian university student who thinks the world of himself and not much of many other things. I am held in the balance of daily activities all aimed at making me the me I want to be. I work out…have done for weeks now (obviously), I play sport, I attend university and I work in my ‘spare’ time.

Ironic really that I should talk about myself in a place dedicated to all the shit that turns my blood to a thickened black paste, but the truth of the matter is that even I piss myself off. Funny that.

In any case, welcome to my new internet real estate. Crack open a beer, take a seat and enjoy the ride. Try not to be offended – I will often sound cynical, self-centred and harsh but please know that I am generally the opposite…when it comes down to things not mentioned here.

If you relate to any subject matter I plan on discussing on this page in the future, please take this as a fuck you in advance …so fuck you in advance. In any case I have shit to attend to, so stay tuned for the first in the ‘If you do this…’ series.

First person to follow will be personally invited to my place of residence with the once in a lifetime opportunity to kiss my perfect ass.

-Nick